Well, I don't even know where to begin because I feel like there have been so many things that I've been walking through that wish I could share everything. The last couple weeks that we have been texting has brought me so much comfort and I can't put into words how happy it has made me. It has made me so grateful, that with long lulls of not talking, that you three still have such a special place in my heart that will last forever, because we're forever friends. I'll give the three biggest updates on what I've been going on with me.
As you know... Slay and I broke up. It wasn't a good break up. He told me a lot of things that I chose to believe, instead of actually seeing that it wasn't right. I can't do anything but praise praise praise Jesus for removing me from something so toxic. I couldn't see it then but I can see so vividly now, the Lord was bundling me up in his arms to make me fall closer into them in a way that Slay or no man ever can. I wanted so much more and to think that If I wouldn't have been obedient to the spirit in bringing up what we were actually doing, we would probably still just be in a relationship and would've ended in a very unhappy marriage. I was so blinded by deception and to be honest, my own personal sin had shaped a lot of lies into truths about who I am and who my God is. I rarely felt valued or cherished with Slay, or really cared for. I felt more like a burden and suppressed a lot of who I am because I didn't want to lose something I thought I couldn't bare to lose. It was the best 2 years that I could have never asked for. I'm reading this book by John Piper, Future Grace, and have been rocked in a lot of ways, but I remember in the very beginning of our breakup reading "God governs our pain and pleasure for our good and his glory", it hit me hard. I have been praying intensely and BOLDY in the power of the holy spirit to allow me to believe this truth and to have faith that there is nothing in my life outside of the will of God. The ups and downs, joys and hopes, heartbreaks, doubts, insecurities-he has ordained them all for me to know him, see him, and find freedom in the power of the cross. Guys, I have been infatuated with the Lord and my prayer has been that I would fall in love with myself the way that he falls in love with me everyday. To find my infinite value and beauty in someone so steadfast, so constant, when everything else felt like it was crumbling, has marked me with a truer identity, a truer and better version of Jen than there's ever been. I feel like I have stepped into the amplified version of me. I don't know how to explain it more than saying I feel like who I am supposed to be for the first time in years.
Coming off of the first thing, I have been feeling super strongly about nourishing the relationships that i have with the women in my life. That's where I feel like I want my time to be spent right now. The other night, I had 12 of my favorite people in one room. They all came over for a 'Welcome to Fall' party, with just some fall-themed snacks and drinks, and just hanging out. I went to bed with such a happy heart. All those women have been such a part of my ups and downs and have showed me so many different images of Christ that it was nothing short of God that they have been a part of my life. The coolest thing is, I feel like my joy comes from knowing new people are building new relationships with one another. My coworkers have started to hang out with my girlfriends, and are non-believers (a lesbian and atheist/agnostic), and it's just such a cool picture of the gospel. I've loved every moment that I've gotten to gather people together. Abby is moving and I have a new roommate moving in this weekend, she came too, and she's awesome, her name is Stacy and she's from Texas. I'm super excited to see what the Lord is going to do in this season with my time, and I am fully trusting and relying on the power of prayer to bring these people to their knees in recognition of who Jesus is. I pray that no one ever see's me, but see's Him. I'm in a bible study with 4 of the girls and we've been going through Beth Moore's, Praying Through God's Word, which is literally just praying the power of scripture over the strongholds in our lives–man oh man, the power of replacing a lie with a truth has allowed me to take my thoughts captive in a way that gives all the power to Christ. It's been so cool to see him break these things in me, I love being broken. My counselor says broken Jen is the best Jen, I'm starting to agree with her.
All that to say, this is where my focus and my heart has been–the Spirit. I wasn't sleeping because I was being so attacked in my dreams with visions about Slay and words exchanged with family and friends. This went on for a few weeks and Lauren reminded me that Jesus commands his soldiers to sleep in order to prepare for battle, and right now, I'm in a battle. If i'm not resting and relying on being restless, my flesh is going to trump the spirit and I'm not gonna be prepared for the war that is going on. I started a forming a healthy sleeping routine and no longer have my phone on in my bed if my overhead light is off. So it usually goes off about 9ish during the week, then i'll read for an hour or so with my lamp and candle, then pray in confidence that satan does not have any place in my dreams and that my bed is the Lords. That my dreams are his. I have never slept so soundly. Like, almost too much. It's made me excited to go to sleep because I know that the Lord shows up. It's just been cool to trust him in ways that I've always wanted to control myself. It's kinda been a season of just choosing myself. I typically keep one weekend night and at least one week day night to myself because I know saying no to someone else is saying yes to me, and where I'm at right now, I am just dying to have that alone time with the Lord. Which, in fairness, makes me kind of a loser. The last couple Friday's I've gone to yoga, made dinner, and am in bed reading or coloring and watching some One Tree Hill by like 8. It's seriously what I look forward to..which is why Andrew caught me totally off guard. Out of all nights, he called me on that girls night, and after spending the whole day together and not really wanting that alone time together, all I can do is laugh at the Lord because I feel like he's just doing his thang. Whether that results in a relationship doesn't really matter, but I am 110% confident that he is the keeper of my heart and that in pursuing him and listening to his spirit, I'll be provided with ample amounts of wisdom in moving forward. He texted me last night and I did get excited. If y'all could just be praying that I never get to a place that I think I can handle it, or do it on my own, that's my biggest fear. And that if this is something the Lord wants for me, for Andrew to pursue me, that Andrew has a heart on fire for the Lord that is guiding his steps in spirit-led wisdom and prayer. I'd love to hang out with him more and get to know him. He kinda shatters any type that I have, and I like that.
I get to go to LA for the Adobe Max conference on Sunday and can't wait! Now someone else can word vomit, I just did for far too long.
Lovin you all from Colorado!
